Wack Clichés by @BBQx_
Even the world’s greatest writers struggle to craft great introductions for their articles. BBQ is no different. I am frequently reminded of my literary greatness and insane brilliance:keystroke ratio but it is with much regret that I acknowledge that right now: I’m stuck.
There is no great intro to the kind of fuckery that I am about to cover.
I had high hopes for 2012 but it doesn’t appear that we are any closer to having people analyze the shit that they say than we were in 2011. Aside from what I cover here, people are totally content sounding like retards and somewhere, someone is yelling “YOLO” in reply. People want the KD and Westbrick look but don’t want the education that their corny swag implies.
Before I proceed though, lest anyone think I am targeting one specific race/ethnicity, please allow me to make the following disclaimer:
Please and thanks.
I decided to finally address clichés. Not just ANY clichés though, but the ones that are so incorrect that it baffles me that people have lived 20+ years and not for A SECOND bothered to think about what they have been saying. I mean, your mouth has to REALLY be on autopilot to not catch some of this shit. But anyways, below I have ranked my top 5 most frustrating and incorrectly used that I encounter on a daily basis, whether they be on Twitter (BBQx_), The Gram (BBQx) or at my place of employment.
5.) The Word “Literally”
“Literally” means the exact opposite of how you probably use it. It CAN be used for emphasis, but like most words, it helps to know what it really means.
“Yooo, you hear that new Pusha?? He SHITTED on Wayne…LITERALLY…”
Uhhhhh, nope. I am not going into what the LITERAL version of that scenario would have to entail in order for it to even approach accuracy. I am pretty certain that person meant FIGURATIVELY, unless he has some footage that no one else wants to watch.
But you can see ‘literally’ included in all imaginable non-literal usages.
4.) “Have” vs. “Of”
These words are not interchangeable.
If I was to tell someone, “Hey friend, I OF to go to work tomorrow…” you all would think of me as a shithead. Makes no sense, right? ANYONE can see THAT!
But let me say “Hey friend, I should OF paid more attention before dropping out of school…”
Its HAVE, people. I should HAVE, could HAVE, would HAVE.
3.) “Everything Happens For A Reason”
Yeah, no shit. But not because of fate or some sort of spiritual intervention. But because you make bad decisions. YOU are the reason shit happens, don’t put that on God. You got partied and wound up pregnant, you’re damn right shit happens for a reason! I admire anyone that can turn a negative into a positive, but don’t act like THOSE are the mysterious ways in which God works.
Real shit, I have friends out here living #RawLife saying:
“Of course I ain’t wanna get her pregnant at the time…but I would #OF never had my son…everything happens for a reason…”
Simple human biology is lost on this motherfucker, seriously. Like God just couldn’t wait to give him a baby. But “everything happens for a reason” has been used to justify poor decision making for centuries, and probably always will.
2.) “Complete 360”
This was a tie with first place, actually. We all have heard that person talk about someone they love turning their lives around and describing it as a “complete 360”.
“My son was living a life of sin and the lord intervened…since then he’s done a complete 360…”
This is supposed to be a “180”. If you are traveling in a given direction and you turn around, you deviated 180o off your path, which is great if you are a fuckup. But if you are traveling in a given direction and you do a “complete 360o”, or come full circle (another really bad cliché), you will be heading in the exact same direction you were just traveling.
I’m at the point now that when someone fucks this phrase up and talks about a “complete 360” that I now apologize to them and tell them how sorry I am to hear they failed. This is VERY petty, especially considering the positivity people are trying to express with this cliché, but I figure why not get your life together AND be grammatically/geometrically correct?
1.) “I Could Care Less”
Yeah? Then what’s stopping ya, genius?
This one eats right through me. We have all seen it.
“Yeah, she (Insert emotion-invoking threat or event)…but I COULD CARE LESS…”
Saying that you could care less means that you actually care. You are saying that there is room to not care, but you haven’t yet figured out how to tap into that emotional real estate. You’re too busy caring, probably.
“Yeah I care now, but I’m about to start caring less though…because I can…I CAN care less than what I do…but fuck it, yeah I do currently care…”
What you mean to say is “I couldN’T care less”. This means your caring is at absolute rock bottom. There is no more caring available at this point.
“I am PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY INCAPABLE of caring about this shit any less than what I do currently…which is at zero…and ain’t no amount less than zero…so I can’t care any less…”
We have to do better, people.
Feel free to reply or contact BBQ directly with any questions, comments, slander and/or fuckery.
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© 2012, Brandon Wyche. All rights reserved.